Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
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Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.