I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
my nickname in college
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement