I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Why is this me 😫
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.