I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
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In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.