ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
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when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
what it’s like dating me:
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
can’t wait til they legalize outside
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
no!! no!!!!!!
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me