Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
You Might Also Like
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.