my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.