<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
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What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.