Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers