Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
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CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Life cycle of cat
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page