Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt