[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
You Might Also Like
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
“How’s your day going?”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets