I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
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My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
“That’s what” – She
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.