I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
You Might Also Like
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
lol
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican