“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”