2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
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Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
lol
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge