Forever 21… pounds overweight
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God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.