I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
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The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Solving a traffic jam
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous