I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging