“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Just a phase…
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight