Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
You Might Also Like
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Ugh
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.