No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
As the Lord intended
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients