My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Home is where your toilet is.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles