[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*