I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
and this one
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Lmao 🤣
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism: