The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
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[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.