I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
This headline is a thing of beauty
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.