I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
i will not be silenced
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.