Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
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“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”