Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
THE AUDACITY. 😤
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.