Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
the icebreaker
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?