Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate