I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m giving up ice.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.