I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
the icebreaker
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!