“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people