I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Sharon, call the vet
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.