A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
You Might Also Like
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
fired
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
The news in a nutshell.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Not helping
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test