Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
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Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Hard not to take this personally
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
In space, no one can hear…
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
had to share :’)
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.