*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
You Might Also Like
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
LOL
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either