Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
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They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Danger is very dangerous
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother