*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
me after eating Cheetos
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun