Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
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I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat