The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.