What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
classic mixup
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*