[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
jesus christ confetti not now
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.