Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
This guy gets it.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father