Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
May never get over this
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.