*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
You Might Also Like
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*