My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.