courtroom exchange of the day
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“I FIXED IT!”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.